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Sunday, January 18, 2009

Miracle on 34th Street

By Chris Larsen

Thursday's incident in which an airplane leaving New York crashed landed in the Hudson river made me do a little soul searching. After getting lost in the middle of nowhere, I asked for directions and found that I had a few questions in the back of my mind. Well, the first thing is just more of a statement that I've got to get off my chest. How can you call it the "Miracle on the Hudson" when it should so clearly be called Miracle on 34th street. I mean for publicity purposes, naming after a movie in which the girl from Matilda starred would be a hell of a place to start. Now you may be saying, "hey there Chris, that kinda sounds like an ole question to me." Well sir/madame, I've read the Bible (I haven't), and I think I've been guided a little better by The Lord than you have.

Anyway, I believe I may have gotten a wee bit off topic; oh wait, there it is (the topic silly). So yeah, "Miracle on the Hudson" is a bad name, the worst apple on the lot. It's like naming your first born Adolf Hitler Campbell, as one couple did in New Jersey. Yeah sure, its a cute name, but the backlash your going to get from that knit picking Jewish community just isn't worth it. They really should have minded their P's and Q's on this one, bad decision on their part (the couple, not the Jew's). It also brings up the discussion, exactly what are they putting in the water in New Jersey. I mean who's the last big name to come out of that town (doesn't deserve the title of an American state)? I'm putting my money on Whitney Houston (pictured at right, clearly high on life), the lovable singer actress who inspires us all. And while she's been a model citizen and savior to the doping community, there has got to be something on her I can dig up to prove my point. Well, I can't, but let us get back to that plane in the sky, er... Hudson.

So they say that "supposedly" a flock of birds flew into the engine and caused it to explode. I have learned a couple of things from this little factoid. First off, this tells me that American hunters just aren't as good as they used to be, and are clearly inferior to their European counterparts. Whens the last time a plane from Europe when down because of birds? Answer, never, they have no birds in Europe. Why? Because the hunters have killed them all. Another thing I've picked up is that being a bird just isn't as good as it used to be. I mean what happened to make all of these birds so depressed that they choose to fly towards death faster then Japs the a boat. I'm no bird, but I think in a flying zone as big as the freaking sky, I could avoid a couple engines flying around. The more I think about it, I kind of want an autopsy done on all the little birds and their body parts. I mean, imagine the commander in chief of the birds air team. He's flying along, starts to day dream about his wife and kids on the coast on Mexico, enjoying the breeze, chomping on some Mexican jumping beans, living the life. Next thing he knows, a giant turbine is 10 feet from his head. Being the skilled diver he is, he's able to avoid disaster... barely. Unfortunately, the rest of his men (and one woman lieutenant who got into the air unit through lawsuit) weren't so lucky. He led them right into their death, they never saw it coming, having complete faith in their leader. Now imagine this, you are solely responsible for the killings of several heroes back home and will have to face the family's of these brave men ( and one woman lieutenant who got into the air unit through lawsuit). I'm thinking that instead of going back home, we might find this commanders body along with the rest, only he won't be quite as chewed up as the rest. I'm willing to bet that we will find a single bird with a single BB gun pellet lodged in his head. It's a sad sad story, but somebody had to tell it. That's why this prestigious group here at TWOTF hired me to write, because I'm willing to go where nobody dare go. Well, I went there, and you are welcome.

Chris Larsen is a beat writer for TWOTF
He has a dog, some fish, and a killer smile.

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