By Chris Larsen
Many of you know the story of Jesus and his affair with Mary. Many of you also can count to three, but this is not in its own unusual or special. But, I'm willing to bet you don't know the true story of Jesus' brother, Calliope. Of course you know that he was his half brother from God's first marriage, and that he was an inn keeper (magician) in Bethlehem. What you probably didn't know is that Calliope is Greek for beautiful voice, and is also a female name. How rotten of God to spite his first born like this, how embarrassed he must have been when everyone found out he was named after a vaginal species. Jesus is known for his wonderful powers, he could make the blind see, he could turn a rock into a pet rock. Unfortunately, this wasn't Jesus doing all of this, it was in fact, Calliope! He was the worlds premiere magician, doing three shows a night on the B-town strip. Calliope was so kind too. He would help out the poor all the time by throwing them from a 500 foot cliff. Wait, that's mean. No, there was a pretend magic coin at the bottom, and if the poor soul (literally) made it to the bottom alive (nobody ever did), they could keep the coin (that was a pretend magic coin).
He trusted everybody, believing that everyone was pure at heart, except his father whom he decided to get even with by emancipating himself at 4. This was ugly for a few years, he had no money and God refused to pay alimony (they were never "legally" married, but Calliope swore to his death bed God had asked). In order to make enough to pay off the bears and to buy food, he was forced to do magic on the street corners. Some days he ate a muffin, other days (he ate nothing...didn't want to say, but I had to, its tough to think about). 10 percent of the time somebody would rob him, 100 percent of the time this was Jesus. This worried Calliope, for he was beginning to see Jesus go down a path that would lead to a CROSSroads (that's an inside joke, you probably won't get it, I do however). He decided to take Jesus under his wing, to nurture him, feed him the first Gerber baby foods. Carrot, that was his favorite, but he could only get it once in a while, it was a treat, and he so badly needed the discipline.
Calliope decided to enroll him into the prestigious School of Jesus, named after a different Jesus that might have been Spanish. Too bad. So sad. It wasn't two minutes before Jesus was expelled from school for mutilating a small dwarf child. And when I say mutilate, I mean he ripped of his little pieces and hung them from a telephone wire like the lil' shoes in the "ghetto". How could they possibly have telephones back then Chris, George Washington didn't invent it yet. Well small adults, Washington didn't even invent it, and I never said they had telephones. They just needed to put the town employees to work so they made them make polls with wire connecting them. Anyways, Jesus was now beginning to prove himself a major problem to Calliope. He couldn't possibly keep both Jesus and his magic career, thus resulting in the most difficult decision in his life (he lived to age 14). Well, obviously Calliope decided to kill Jesus and hang him from a cross because of his severe allergic reaction to crosses. Jerk.
But please, before you judge him, realize that magic was really cool and just beginning, and Jesus always took credit for everything Calliope did, making him famous and Calliope a dud. In the end, Calliope became the greatest magician of his time. He could make people blind by gauging out their eyeballs, the likes of which had never before been seen. At age 10, he wrote a book titled, My Life: The Calliope Christ Story and assorted candies. At 12, he developed severe finger cuts, and at age 13, he died of old age. Calliope Christ, dead at 13 (he never made it to 14 like I previously stated. I was simply hoping for some updated information that would confirm my long held belief that he was actually older than he stated on his birth certificate, which had long thought to be a fake copy).
Chris Larsen is a beat writer for TWOTF
He has a dog, some fish, and a book of poems